I have not written for a long while and have since made all of my previous posts private, they seem irrelevant. I have tried for so long in so many aspects of my life. I feel like I am constantly running on an inclined treadmill, getting absolutely exhausted, injured, and ultimately going no-where. I have tried different things to help how I feel but I never feel any different. Rock bottom has been a hellish place fueled with anger, sadness, self-hatred, addiction, pain, self-injury, and illness. I feel so messed up these days and I often cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am consumed by the darkness and find myself asking what the point is in this – or anything.
Why does nothing seem to help? Is there no hope for me? I have tried: therapy, medication, meditation, hobbies. My recent venture has been looking at ‘positive affirmations’ which I have never liked but I thought ‘worth a go, nothing to lose’. It has been impossible, “what’s the point” is on loop in my mind. I sometimes wish I could take my thoughts out of my head and leave them in a jar. It would have to be a solid metal jar because they scream and shout so loud that they would shatter glass.
I have been through a hell of a lot over the years (physical health, family health, trauma, the list goes on) and I think this has gradually ebbed away at me. I feel so broken and perhaps beyond repair. I sometimes wonder what more I can try. I know nothing changes over night and I won’t suddenly feel better, but I have only felt worse over the last decade. I can really relate to this song by NF
I am currently doing a PhD but I cannot focus on anything at all. I have already taken time out, which did help a bit, but as I returned to my studies I had to shield for covid-19 and have subsequently spiraled downwards mentally. I feel suicidal most days and the weight of these thoughts make it so hard to see anything else. It feels like things will never be any different.
Without a Map 